Shame ~ Part 1

Ugh, even typing out this word makes me sick to my stomach and honestly just makes me want to run and hide. Anyone else? Shame is such a deep deep ugly thing. 

Have you ever done something that you could just never forget? It’s different than guilt. Guilt, you know you’ve done wrong and feel sorry about it, and it may eat at you for a while, but eventually you either right the wrong or move on. But shame… it’s that guilt that runs far deeper. It becomes an identity that we wear and live in. It’s that wrongful thing that has dishonored or disgraced you. You lost respect and dignity. It changed everything. It’s that thing that you hide in the darkest places and don’t want anyone to ever know about. That thing you hate talking about because it shines the light on the ugliest parts of you. We wrap it up, nice and neatly, tuck it away, never to be heard from again, and hope no one ever discovers it. But, it never really goes away does it. The ache, the grossness, the regrets, the feeling of always thinking “what must they think of me now”. That dirty feeling. It’s all wrapped up in that pretty little box called, shame. 

For those who don’t know my whole story, I was a teen mom at 17 years old. I was married at 17 before my daughter was born. My parents had to sign at the court for me to get married. Two children later we got divorced. After that I was in another relationship and had my 3rd child. We never married. The relationship was very abusive and thankfully I left. Shortly after that, I met my 2nd husband. We had two children. We were married almost 7 years and then our marriage ended due to his infidelity. Here I am, a single mom of 5 children. Three different men, two marriages, a few failed relationships in between and a giant box of shame. When ever anyone starts talking to me and asks about my kids, if they have the same dad, I feel instantly sick. Most don’t care, but I care. Granted there was a lot more to these situations, but it still bothers me. I don’t ever regret my children, in fact, they have given me so much purpose healing, and life! But the situations and relationships surrounding them, the things that happened during those times will often creep out of that ugly box. I wonder, If only I had made better choices, if I had listened to people around me. To this day, there are still some parts of me that can’t forgive myself and let go of the ugly mistakes I’ve made. 

There are many other things besides, (gulp) sexual sin, that I’m ashamed of. But that is one of the big ones. Ive hated how people have talked to me, judged me, or things people have said about me behind my back when they didn’t even know the whole story, or my internal struggles.  I’ve hated myself for things I’ve done in those situations, or, for things I didn’t do. I mean, I think we can all agree, most of us have at least one thing that just leaves us wanting to never talk about that ugly part. I have a few of those in my story. 

Let me tell you how God deals with shame. How He’s unwrapping that ugly box in my life..

There are two people in the Bible I find that I identify with the most. The first one is, David. For many reasons, but I’ll save those for another day. The second person I identify the most with, I have found difficult to admit because of my own shame, but as I continue to open this box and give it to the Lord, I find there is something precious about identifying with this woman.  It’s a Samaritan woman in the Bible. 

In John chapter 4, the author tells the story that has so deeply resonated with me for as long as I can remember. She has a past that somewhat parallels my own. She hides her stains of sin because of judgment, and ridicule. She feels hopeless, she pretends as if it’s no big deal but really, her heart desperately seeks cleansing. She seeks a new identity. 

Is this you too, friend? Is there something that weighs so heavily in the darkest parts of your soul that you try so hard to keep hidden? Because if it is, pull out that box, friend. What I’m going to tell you is that, shame doesn’t have to be your identity. We don’t have to keep holding on to and hiding that dirty old box. 

To be continued…

Be sure to read next weeks blog post where I will dive in so much deeper to the identity of shame and how we can be set free. 

4 thoughts on “Shame ~ Part 1”

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *