This is a nasty little word, isn’t it? I have never considered myself a prideful person. In fact, I am pretty humble. With all of the trials I have gone through in my life, pride was naturally just not there. Well, so I thought. As God continues to walk with me through this journey of healing, He stopped and took a detour. Great, another issue we are going to pull out, unwrap, and deal with 😩.
I was reading a book where the author talked about perfectionism. This was a book about growing your business, mind you… 🤦🏼♀️ Hmmm perfectionism, ok definitely me in some areas 😬. Perfectionism is in my parenting, my home, my relationships, and my life. I like things just so. I mean, I’ve learned a lot and have learned that this is life and nothing will be perfect. Yet here I am constantly trying to fix things. Just call me the fixer 🤷🏼♀️ I want to fix things; I like to fix things. I want to make things better. I am always striving for better. I mean, aren’t we all in a way? It’s in our human nature to want to do well and to show others we are doing well.
But why? Why do we strive for this? Pride.
Ouch, I know.
But wait, how is pride the source or the root of perfectionism? Well, friends, it’s not the root at all; it’s the symptom. It’s the aftermath of how something has affected us. In our relationships, our jobs, businesses, and friendships. Pride is a symptom of something bigger. Something that is below the surface that most people don’t see. A wound or an old scar.
Yeah, I can see that. But still, if you know me, I’m honestly pretty humble.
Reading in this book and thinking of all the people that I know struggle with pride, this makes so much sense. Then she casually mentions rejection. Ooofff! Like a punch to the gut, that hit me. Hard.
So much of my life, my story, and the pain I’ve experienced can be traced back to this one word.
It is what fuels the fear.
It is what keeps my heart prideful in areas.
It is what makes me be so hard on myself to do better. To be better.
It is why I won’t ever allow myself to ask for help.
It is what keeps me from being free from my past.
It is what hinders my walk with the Lord.
It is the biggest struggle. The biggest hidden flaw that I have. The biggest, deepest pain that I stuff so far down and don’t want to acknowledge that I struggle with.
It is years upon years of secrets that I’ve locked way from the ones around me.
It is the thought, “I am not good enough.”
The ripple effect of rejection is like pouring gasoline over hot coals; stoking the pride embers in my heart.
I have to be the best mom.
I have to have the cleanest house.
I have to never ask for help and do it all myself.
I have to look presentable.
I have to be a certain weight.
I have to work a certain amount of hours in a day or week.
I have to always be happy and positive showing everyone that I’ve got this.
And and and…….
Constantly striving for perfectionism… I can’t let them see how ugly the inside is because they won’t accept me if they saw it.
Instead, we suffer day after day. We try to attain things in such a way that only builds the fire of pride to a point that it begins to choke us out and we crumble.
Pride comes in many forms and no matter how big or how small, it is still pride. It’s the symptom of pain. Maybe it’s not rejection for you. Maybe it’s abandonment. Maybe it’s something else entirely. Whatever the root may be, it’s time to pull it.
The Lord desires us to have a humble heart. Pride and humility cannot exist in the same heart.
Where does your heart lie, friend? Is there some work that the Lord needs to do?
“But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.””James 4:6
📸: Jordan Carpenter