Once upon a time there was a 17 year old girl. One November night her belly was so swollen with a child that was about to make its entrance into the world. Her heart so full of joy at the thought of becoming a mother. She had such hope of all the wonderful things to come. One thing she wasn’t aware of; however, was the weight her shoulders were being prepared for. The weight that she would soon bare. The weight of being a mother.
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Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to be a mom. It happened a little sooner than I had thought, but isn’t it usually the unexpected things in life that often change us the most? I was somewhat prepared for what it took to raise a child. I had spent many years taking babysitting courses and babysitting cousins; I knew how to care for a baby. And as they say, a mother’s instinct will kick in, truly it does.
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What I wasn’t prepared for, what I don’t think anyone can ever be prepared for, was the emotional journey my heart was about to start.
“𝙃𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙙 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙘𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙤𝙙𝙮.“ ~ 𝙐𝙣𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬𝙣.
This has been my favorite mom quote since I first read it. Never before have I read a truer statement.
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That 17 year old gave birth to a tiny 5lb 7oz little girl. The journey through the years was filled with so many memories. Good memories and bad memories. Arguments and making up. Smiles and tears. Hearts bursting with joy and laughter, and hearts hurting from heartbreak. We grew together. As much as I taught her, she equally taught me. We weathered every storm together. With her little hand in mine, we walked through life as one unit.
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I have learned so many things about being a mother over the years. Sacrifice, patience (still learning this one 🙄), unconditional love, joy in the small, precious moments. That’s on top of all the physical aspects like staying up all night with your sick child. School routines, consistency, having all those hard, sometimes embarrassing talks, rules.. I mean these lists could go on and on. So many I learned from my own mom, and some, we learned together along the way. She was often my little guinea pig when it came to raising kids 😂. The first child always is LOL. And you learn, what worked and what didn’t… It’s just the way parenting is. We all know there is no perfect handbook and every child is so different from the next.
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As if parenting wasn’t hard enough, single parenting made the bad days harder, and the sweet moments, a million times sweeter. There were so many days I cried my heart out to God and was filled with anger that their dad wasn’t more of a dad. Why God? Why was this my burden alone to bare. It was too hard! It was so…. much! The energy, the physical, mental and financial strain it took to do this all alone. For so many years it seemed impossible.
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All the years that were ‘unfair’: mom does all the work, plays mom and dad, does all the driving, all the cooking, cleaning, bathing, all the sporting events, all the schooling or parent conferences or meeting, all the moral teaching and character lessons. All of the investments. I was the mom that gave all of herself and was never seen by her children. It’s always dad that got the praise, always dad that got the fun.. So many years that I asked, “God, why?” I literally live for my children and they get away living a life as if they don’t have any children..
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But He was there. He was there every step of the way. Where I fell short, He extended. When I was out of energy, He gave me strength. When the mental strain became so much and the tears would begin to fall, He would give mercy and grace, and bring peace to the storm.
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Friends… God is sovereign. He is just and fair.
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Over the years, things began to shift. The unspoken pain of single parenting, the frustrations and hurt I took to the Lord, He was working in the hearts of my children. Opening their eyes to truth. Teaching them their own lessons.
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When life gets hard for them, I’m the one they go to. When they are hurt, they cry with me. When they need advice, they ask me. When they are so full of excitement, I’m the first one that gets to know.
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The hard work that went into sowing all of those seeds finally began to sprout. And now, there is beautiful luscious fruit growing. Watching them all grow into their own person. Watching them grow in the Lord and seek Him with their own passion. Watching them seek Him for their own futures… How many years did I pray my heart out for this? And here it is. I’m the one who has gotten to be here for all of it. I’m also the one who has to learn to let go.
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See, there’s this other side of parenting that most don’t talk about too often. A part of parenting that I don’t feel like anyone can prepare you for. A new part of the journey I’m about to walk through. A part of the journey that is so bittersweet.
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We have to let them go. We have to let them 𝙛𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙩.
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That little 5lb 7oz baby is now a beautiful young lady. Getting ready to start her journey into adulthood. Chasing her own dreams of becoming a paramedic. She’s heading off to first become a soldier and serve her country, where she will become a combat medic.
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The word proud doesn’t compare to what my heart feels. But I’m also back in those hard, painful places of my mom-heart again. Once again looking to God for peace, direction, and protection over my heart. My heart that for 18 years I’ve kept close. Always within reach, always close in case she needed me or I needed her. The heart that I’ve cried over, prayed over, sacrificed for, went to war for…
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The day draws near for that heart to now fly on its own. I’m not ready. I’m not prepared yet. It hasn’t been enough time. Ready to watch God walk her into His will for her life. And also, not quite ready to let go yet…
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But just as the Lord has always carried us in His arms, just how He has always lead me and my children, I know He will again lead us in this new journey. Where my leading ends in this phase of parenting, His will begin in a new way.
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As this new parenting journey begins, I pray that if she does anything, she will continue to seek the Lord before all else.
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And my mama heart… Well, it’s preparing to watch my heart walk a little further from me now.
“He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.”
Isaiah 40:11
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6
